I have spent the last week thinking about writing this blog. Starting it, finishing it, reading back over it, deleting it.... I really did sound like I was floating outside the realms of reality in my own little bubble. Maybe I was, and in retrospect, it was a great place to be. Let me explain with a little back story of who I am and what I do.
I am Fiona. I am a motivated, driven and energetic woman with a passion for the outdoors and, if I'm 100% truthful, food. I am a mum of 3, working from home as a nutritionist. I have run marathons, competed in bodybuilding competitions, all while studying for a Masters and finishing a post grad. Up until November, I owned my own horse who I competed with in dressage and a little showjumping. In short, I don't do anything by halves. I am always busy....in fact I am always rushing. But I thought this was just what I was about. This was Fiona.
6 years ago, whilst pregnant with my 3rd child, I was diagnosed with kidney disease and up until January of last year, I was managing this very well. However a series of illnesses including food poisoning and flu resulted in my kidney function deteriorating. Finally, after 6 months of high dose steroids and chemotherapy, I have been told I need a kidney transplant. Needless to say, this came as a huge shock. But as many others do, I pulled up my big girl pants and got on with it.
When I got the news in December, I weighed just under 75 kgs. Thats a pretty healthy weight for a 5ft 10 female who lifts weights. Come the beginning of January, I weighed 67.8kg - and I thought I was dealing with it.
I started back to yoga in the 3rd week of January. I hadn't done it since I was pregnant with my last son and I knew it was just what my body (and mind) needed. I needed to feel like I was being proactive with my health and I really felt that I needed to be doing something. I had a great session with Jess at the Flow Yoga centre in Clonakilty (www.yogawestcork.com) and in the days following the session, I got a text to say that there were just a couple of places left on the January retreat. I didn't think twice. This retreat would give me something to look forward to and might perhaps allow me to work on my flexibility while I couldn't train.
Fast forward to my arrival at the centre;
The drive down was spectacular. I arrived at the centre and was shown to my room which I would share with another of the retreat attendees. We had a coffee and within a short while, we began our first session. It was mostly gentle with some stronger movements and Jess explained that this retreat was going to be based around restorative yoga. We followed this session with an amazing dinner and finished the evening off with some meditation at 9:15.
The following morning started with yoga at 7:30 am. It was dark outside the huge glass windows looking out on the water. Every now and then, I would close my eyes to go into another flow and when I would open them, everything outside the window would have changed. The sky slowly turned from black to grey then to pink. It was the most beautiful, calming experience I have had. It was explained during dinner the night before that breakfast times would be in silence. I wasn't sure how I would enjoy that but I found it refreshing to not have to make small talk before I was awake fully - and I also found it gave me the opportunity to just be with myself, somethiing I rarely get to experience as a mum of 3. Breakfast was amazing. Homemade muesli, greek yoghurt, pink grapefruit, stewed fruit, pancakes - you name it, it was there. At 10am we began our second session of the day which was to go on until about 1pm. I thought I would find this session long. I have been in classes and in training sessions where I have been looking at my watch 20 mins in, waiting for it to end. But this was so different. I realised that I was there for me. I was actively concentrating on myself, becoming aware of what I was feeling, how my body was working and how I reacted to different stressors. I was amazed how, when I attempted to do a difficult pose, my breathing became short and thoughts of self doubt flooded me. We discussed this during the session and Jess suggested that we have a think about why this happens. Why we repeat the same patterns in our daily lives despite the fact that they may be negative. Lunch was amazing - despite my love of meat, I didn't miss it at all.
Some of us went for a walk along the cliffs in Allihies for the afternoon and arrived back in time for our third yoga class. Dinner was at 7:30 and our final meditation was at 9:15.
Sunday morning began again with a morning meditation at 7:30 and the rest of the morning followed in the same format as Saturday. The afternoon finished at 4pm and from there I made my way home.
I describe the flow of the weekend as if it were just classes and food. On paper, thats exactly what it was. But to experience it, it was so much more. The only way I can describe it is this -
As someone who spends her time running from one thing to the next, I finally had the opportunity to just stop. For more than 48 hrs, I focussed 100% of my attention on ME.
I can't believe I have NEVER done this before.....EVER! During the second session on Sunday, I was lying down, beginning the session with some breathing exercises and thinking and paying attention to the thoughts that were floating into my mind ....I began crying. I'm not talking about a little trickle, I mean I started sobbing. It was the most bizarre experience. I felt hot and it was like I had opened a dam and the outpouring of emotion was immensely powerful. I don't know how else to describe this experience, if I had to tell you what I was thinking, I don't think I could even put my finer on it, but the feeling was left with was one of acceptance and understanding of myself. Let me put it in perspective - On a normal day, I get up early to have coffee before the madness starts. I get 3 kids ready for school, make lunches, breakfasts, tie laces and help wash faces. I spend the morning cleaning up after my family, meeting a friend for coffee, getting some work done, meeting a client. Then its time to do the school collections, make lunch, bring everyone to their various sports, make dinner, eat dinner......run out the door to go training with the girls...back home to spend some 'quality' time watching a bit of TV with my husband and then its bedtime and the cycle starts again. I'm sure that this lifestyle rings true for every parent. Even when we have a little time on our own, its spent on facebook or texting a friend, training hard or watching a bit of TV. We rarely, if ever, actually spend time with ourselves.
This has been an enormous revelation for me. I can see now that in my attempts to organise my busy schedule, I am never focussed on what I am doing because part of my attention is always on what comes next, what I'm cooking for dinner, what time I need to leave the house for my swim....the list is endless.
The question I should really ask is if the retreat has changed anything for me. I think that this week, I have been more patient. I have been more present. Finally, I have also realised that I must give myself the same respect, time and love that I save for others.
I am guilty now, as I write this, of thinking ahead. But Im sure I will be forgiven as it is to go and book the next retreat.
I am Fiona. I am a motivated, driven and energetic woman with a passion for the outdoors and, if I'm 100% truthful, food. I am a mum of 3, working from home as a nutritionist. I have run marathons, competed in bodybuilding competitions, all while studying for a Masters and finishing a post grad. Up until November, I owned my own horse who I competed with in dressage and a little showjumping. In short, I don't do anything by halves. I am always busy....in fact I am always rushing. But I thought this was just what I was about. This was Fiona.
6 years ago, whilst pregnant with my 3rd child, I was diagnosed with kidney disease and up until January of last year, I was managing this very well. However a series of illnesses including food poisoning and flu resulted in my kidney function deteriorating. Finally, after 6 months of high dose steroids and chemotherapy, I have been told I need a kidney transplant. Needless to say, this came as a huge shock. But as many others do, I pulled up my big girl pants and got on with it.
When I got the news in December, I weighed just under 75 kgs. Thats a pretty healthy weight for a 5ft 10 female who lifts weights. Come the beginning of January, I weighed 67.8kg - and I thought I was dealing with it.
I started back to yoga in the 3rd week of January. I hadn't done it since I was pregnant with my last son and I knew it was just what my body (and mind) needed. I needed to feel like I was being proactive with my health and I really felt that I needed to be doing something. I had a great session with Jess at the Flow Yoga centre in Clonakilty (www.yogawestcork.com) and in the days following the session, I got a text to say that there were just a couple of places left on the January retreat. I didn't think twice. This retreat would give me something to look forward to and might perhaps allow me to work on my flexibility while I couldn't train.
Fast forward to my arrival at the centre;
The drive down was spectacular. I arrived at the centre and was shown to my room which I would share with another of the retreat attendees. We had a coffee and within a short while, we began our first session. It was mostly gentle with some stronger movements and Jess explained that this retreat was going to be based around restorative yoga. We followed this session with an amazing dinner and finished the evening off with some meditation at 9:15.
The following morning started with yoga at 7:30 am. It was dark outside the huge glass windows looking out on the water. Every now and then, I would close my eyes to go into another flow and when I would open them, everything outside the window would have changed. The sky slowly turned from black to grey then to pink. It was the most beautiful, calming experience I have had. It was explained during dinner the night before that breakfast times would be in silence. I wasn't sure how I would enjoy that but I found it refreshing to not have to make small talk before I was awake fully - and I also found it gave me the opportunity to just be with myself, somethiing I rarely get to experience as a mum of 3. Breakfast was amazing. Homemade muesli, greek yoghurt, pink grapefruit, stewed fruit, pancakes - you name it, it was there. At 10am we began our second session of the day which was to go on until about 1pm. I thought I would find this session long. I have been in classes and in training sessions where I have been looking at my watch 20 mins in, waiting for it to end. But this was so different. I realised that I was there for me. I was actively concentrating on myself, becoming aware of what I was feeling, how my body was working and how I reacted to different stressors. I was amazed how, when I attempted to do a difficult pose, my breathing became short and thoughts of self doubt flooded me. We discussed this during the session and Jess suggested that we have a think about why this happens. Why we repeat the same patterns in our daily lives despite the fact that they may be negative. Lunch was amazing - despite my love of meat, I didn't miss it at all.
Sunday morning began again with a morning meditation at 7:30 and the rest of the morning followed in the same format as Saturday. The afternoon finished at 4pm and from there I made my way home.
I describe the flow of the weekend as if it were just classes and food. On paper, thats exactly what it was. But to experience it, it was so much more. The only way I can describe it is this -
As someone who spends her time running from one thing to the next, I finally had the opportunity to just stop. For more than 48 hrs, I focussed 100% of my attention on ME.
I can't believe I have NEVER done this before.....EVER! During the second session on Sunday, I was lying down, beginning the session with some breathing exercises and thinking and paying attention to the thoughts that were floating into my mind ....I began crying. I'm not talking about a little trickle, I mean I started sobbing. It was the most bizarre experience. I felt hot and it was like I had opened a dam and the outpouring of emotion was immensely powerful. I don't know how else to describe this experience, if I had to tell you what I was thinking, I don't think I could even put my finer on it, but the feeling was left with was one of acceptance and understanding of myself. Let me put it in perspective - On a normal day, I get up early to have coffee before the madness starts. I get 3 kids ready for school, make lunches, breakfasts, tie laces and help wash faces. I spend the morning cleaning up after my family, meeting a friend for coffee, getting some work done, meeting a client. Then its time to do the school collections, make lunch, bring everyone to their various sports, make dinner, eat dinner......run out the door to go training with the girls...back home to spend some 'quality' time watching a bit of TV with my husband and then its bedtime and the cycle starts again. I'm sure that this lifestyle rings true for every parent. Even when we have a little time on our own, its spent on facebook or texting a friend, training hard or watching a bit of TV. We rarely, if ever, actually spend time with ourselves.This has been an enormous revelation for me. I can see now that in my attempts to organise my busy schedule, I am never focussed on what I am doing because part of my attention is always on what comes next, what I'm cooking for dinner, what time I need to leave the house for my swim....the list is endless.
The question I should really ask is if the retreat has changed anything for me. I think that this week, I have been more patient. I have been more present. Finally, I have also realised that I must give myself the same respect, time and love that I save for others.
I am guilty now, as I write this, of thinking ahead. But Im sure I will be forgiven as it is to go and book the next retreat.
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